The Bungee is Getting Tight

Boing!

Spouse-man has been able to visit freely with his oldest for a while, now that she is out of The Mother’s house and on her own in college. It’s really a cool sight to see from my vantage point. I see The Mother Bungee getting taut; it looks more like a worn out old rope. It just might not snap back.



On one hand I can see The Mother has lost interest in this whole Mom/Competition thing – I’d like to think it’s because we offered up nothing for her to compete with. Also, I think she is ready for more "me time". So there’s been an interesting shift: erratic moments of Mommy Force Exertion mixed with a blatant sense of No Involvement. Maybe peri-menopause is creeping into her endocrine system.

Spouse-man made it sort of a mantra of sorts – just get through this time. He let go when his daughter disassociated herself at 16. He decided that if he was going to have a relationship with her, it would be when she chose it, not when The Mother chose it. What kind of step of Faith is that? It’s happening; she calls, they have breakfast, she tells him about stuff, or not, he gives her fatherly wisdom and there is no strife. It’s not all that simple, of course, but it sure is better than it was when she was 14, 15, 16…

She has expressed her desire to transfer to a college out of state. She hasn’t told The Mother yet. She expressed her anxiety in her words, "but mom pays for abc and xyz" (shocking, I know). I can hear the weight in that statement, I can feel the burn of the brand in her words – The Mother Bungee. Spouse-man said the most magical, empowering words I think any dad could have come up with.

He said, "So? Quit living someone else’s life."

Now I don’t know about how a 19 year old takes that, but hearing it now, at my age, with the knowledge of her life, her upbringing … I felt freedom. I felt freedom for her. I felt the priceless love her dad just extended to her in words. I felt hope for her. I felt how blessed she is to have her dad. I could almost sense her wheels turning in her head. She’ll need to process that – maybe for a day, maybe for a decade.

I have a sense that The Mother Bungee is starting to fray. Like in the movies, the dramatic scene where one cord snaps, it gains momentum and suddenly all the fibers are springing loose with a whipping sound and suddenly the ship breaks free. Wow, what a feeling! I hope this is the case for my step-daughter, not to soothe my ire with The Mother, but for her sake. Freedom to find her way without a price.

Comments

[Stephanie]

That is an AWESOME post. Good for Spouse-Man for telling her that. Good for you for recognizing the value of his words. I hope, for all of you, that the relationship between Spouse-Man and both girls continues to grow in that way. I hope for The Mother that she realizes that the girls can love them both without it being competitive. There's room for all of them.

Stop living someone else's life. I like it.

[Tulip Girl]

How wonderful for Spouse-man. I know that he has treasured the last few months with his daughter. I hope that she realizes, very quickly, the wisdom in his words! I am still praying for you all.

[J]

Your husband sounds very wise. There are some things we cannot fix, but his patience, his willingness to give it time and then to support her with his words and love - she will carry that in her heart forever. A father's words are powerful, a father's words make or break you. Good for him!

And good for you, too - because you have had to hang on for the ride!