Father's Day at our House

In pondering how we spent Father’s day, I wondered, as I so often do – how can we handle things differently, or better, in this non-amiable, split household scenario? Last week would have been our first full week, of two, in our 2 week on/2 week off summer rotation for "parenting time" with my stepdaughter(s). Considering the older one disassociated herself from her father/us two years ago, I can only account for the younger one these days…or not. Last week she said she didn’t want to come to our house, and she would think about the next week (starting today, Monday). This meant that she also didn’t intend to be with her father on Father’s day. I don’t even know what to think of these scenarios, and I have no way of coming to closure with it either. It’s left out there, it’s hanging, never to be discussed. The day goes by.

Saturday evening we went to a movie and during the credit roll, we see that a phone call came in from The Mother’s house. At 10p. it was too late to call. Apparently it was my youngest stepdaughter calling to see "what’s going on for tomorrow". Since we are trying to live our lives regardless of The Mother’s clutches on our household, we had made plans to hit the road bright and early for breakfast at a favorite spot in the mountains and go for a hike – a favorite Father’s day tradition. 96% of the time in the past, when his daughter calls with this question it is because she is being pulled by The Mother Bungee for some other exciting event, and for some bizarre, emotional or obligational reason she calls to check, even though she is already hooked into The Mother’s plan – she just doesn’t want to get in trouble with her dad. It is probably a less painful experience to call her dad, than it is to cross her mother. We did our plan, and he called when we got home - about 2p. There was no "Happy Father’s Day" exclamation, or even the words in any form, just an update of what she was doing that hour. No, "I’d like to see you and give you a hug, spend time with you, Dad" kind of talk, nothing. Nada. He hung up and went outside and stood in the yard hand watering. It was very sad for me to see. I know he was thinking, stuffing feelings, forming composure, and deciding on a positive spin to place on it all.

He could have demanded she come over to spend the day with him - even though, in this bizarre situation, this was already his allotted time. That would’ve been unpleasant – BTDT. He could have questioned her on what her mother was telling her regarding this scenario (Well, your dad just doesn’t love you if he is not coming over to pick you up! Had we known he wasn’t planning to spend time with you, we could’ve gone camping in our super-deluxe RV and done tons of shopping!) in a hopeless attempt to correct misinformation. Or, he could’ve done what he did; return her call, check in, and see if she is coming over for her second week. The non-demanding, non-conflicting route.

As for me, I fume in the background. Not only for the tickets I previously purchased for the day before for an event for 3, but for the lack of evidence that there is a loving mother in the vicinity – the loving mother who, for the love of her children, would graciously and gently guide them into a relationship with their father in this split household environment. That letting go that is totally for the wellbeing of the kids, because afterall, as I’ve mentioned before, can they get too much love? No, You can’t love them too, it would detract from My Love!

I was pointed to this website where results of research are published on social issues. They addressed children being raised in single and/or divorced households and here is an excerpt:

"Although teenagers rely more upon their mothers for emotional support, the relationship with fathers continues to be important. Teenagers rely more upon their fathers for conversation, advice, and just 'being there'. [39] Adolescents who felt their fathers were 'available' to them had fewer conflicts with their friends."  And, less conflicts with other relationships as well.

However, in our case where parental alienation is being practiced on a regular basis, I am seeing this: "In cases of divorce, some mothers limit the time children have with their fathers."

These kids live 1.5 miles from our house – that’s bicycle and walking distance; they’ve done it often. I view their father as being as available as he can within the normal constraints of an 8-5 job and commuting. I have heard of and read about fathers who just let it go, move on and simply send the check. When The Mother manipulates, controls, demands her way in this fragile set up, or otherwise buys her kid’s love – we can’t and won’t compete. We refuse to get into 5 figure legal battles over the $2k we spent for a summer’s worth of daycare – at the same time paying for alimony AND child support. Or, for why we couldn’t get return emails or phone calls in waiting to confirm our weekend time just this last Memorial Day…

Father’s Day. For us, yet one more holiday reminder of how we are the step-family.

Comments

[Peg]

Oh, Donna, it all sounds so familiar. We used to live less than 10 miles away--not biking or walking distance, but effectively nearby. And similar crap would happen.

And, like your situation, the mother seems fixed on the notion that if love and affection and a relationship with father is permitted, it somehow makes HER relationship with them not as good. It's always a competition...and in the meantime, we have husbands who want to be good dads, getting the crappy end of the stick.

With us, given the emphasis on the financial that has always been a part of the BS, I can't help but speculate that the biggest issue is this:

If the kids enjoy a normal relationship with their dad, they may want to live with us (every therapist the kids went to, and there were several--another story altogether--had told both parents that when they are teens, the kids may wish to live with Dad. A totally normal, and healthy thing that should be considered). If they live with us, her salary is cut. And, since money is the root of her issues, she'll stop at nothing to ensure that the kids remain with her--they are, in fact, her meal ticket. It's very sad.

I'm sorry your husband, and you, have to deal with this--it shouldn't be this way. I so know the pain of watching this happen to the man you love.

[Stephanie]

Ditto to everything that Peg said. It stinks... so much.